written on 2004-03-18 @ 6:54 p.m. August 11, 2002 @ 9:12 p.m. I don't know anything about what's going on in my life. I don't know how I'm going to handle this school year, I don't know how I'm going to handle dance and seeing my friends, and then I'm stuck with this HUGE problem. I don't know what I want to do about Jamie, or relationships in general. I talk to people about things all the time, because that's just how I am...it makes things easier for me when I tell them to someone else. But after I talk to people, I kind of just tune them out. I know that sounds mean and everything, and I don't mean it in that I'm ignoring them, but everything that people are telling me is all the same. I can't listen to what others are telling me...I need to figure things out on my own! So now that I've got that all figured out, where the hell do I go from here. I miss everything about Jamie. I miss the things he used to say to me, his hugs, his kisses, the way he always made things so much better just by being there. But then again, I don't know what I should do about us. I'm sick of trying to wait for time to take it's course...I don't want to wait anymore. I'm lonely, and I know that I'm not happy. What am I going to do???? Jen and I got in a car accident last night. It was nothing big, it just really scared me...and I'm still kind of in shock. I'll talk about it later, it's too long to write about now. I'm gonna go to bed, I'm exhausted...this weekend has been waaaay too long!
July 31, 2002 @ 9:19 a.m. So things have been pretty hard lately...a lot harder than I ever expected them to be. It's so much easier to think about things before they happen. (Does that make sense? Probably not.) It's easier to sit there and say "well, this isn't gonna be so hard...I can get through this. It'll be nothing." And then it happens. And emotions you never thought you'd feel start overtaking you, and you can't do anything to stop them! For the past few weeks (maybe even a couple months), Jamie and I have been fighting about every little thing. The things we fought about were so ridiculous...from me getting mad at him about going out with his friends all the time, and him getting mad at me about stupid little things. We hardly saw each other, and the time we spent on the phone was either in silence or, of course, arguing. So all through this time I had this feeling in the back of my mind that maybe we should take a break...I mean, they say breaks cure everything, right? You take a break and realize whether or not this person is right for you. And if they are, then you'll probably be even closer than you were before...and if they aren't, then you're happy you realized the truth and got of the relationship. I brought it up to Jamie, I told him I needed time to myself for a week. Then he tells me later that night that we should break up. !!! It's like one of those times someone tells you someone close to you has died and you can't process it. I couldn't even think that the one person who kept me stable for over a year was gone...and then it hit me, and this is when I'd trade places with anyone. To be someone other than myself. I hate being so damn emotional...everything gets to me and I overanalyze things. I make them worse than they are! Well, I went off in my own emotional world and made myself believe that nothing could be worse right now than losing him. Everytime I saw something on TV, or thought or things, they all linked back to him. And all that flashed through my mind was that I'd never have these things anymore! He wouldn't be coming over a couple times a week and sitting with me. We wouldn't be doing anything that was my life just a week ago...I lost him, and now my whole life has changed. So he says he needs this break to focus on school and his friends. I understand that completely, he's a senior now and needs to focus on what college he wants to go to and everything else. But it's just so hard...but I know time will tell what's meant to happen. I just wish it would hurry up...I hate being impatient. Well I just wanted to get that out of the way. You're probably gonna have to put up with A LOT of my complaining for a while. As easy as I thought this was gonna be a little while go, it's the hardest thing I've ever had to do. :-( I've never hurt this bad, but I know it's for the best. And I don't mean to blame any of this on him, it's not his fault! It's not anyones fault, it's just something that needs to happen. Well, I guess I'm gonna go...that's another thing. I thought I didn't have a life before, now I've proved it. :-/ I haven't done anything but sit around the past few days! Okay, I'll update later...
July 24, 2002 @ 9:14 p.m. Well, other than that, I got my other in-cars scheduled. Next Monday and Tuesday from 2-4. And then I can get it! My LICENSE! I'm so sick of waiting, I'm scheduling the test as soon as I possibly can so I can get the darn thing already and get away from here. Eddy came to see me yesterday. That guy from Florida that I told you guys about? His family took a vacation up here from Miami. They stopped at a couple places on the way here...South Carolina, Virginia, and now they're heading to New York before they go back home. He was so nice!! He brought me roses and everything. But it was a little too weird going places with both of our families. No one knew each other and it was too awkward to talk to him in front of everyone...he came back to my house for about an hour after we spent the day together and we got to talk for a while. So it was nice. :-) I couldn't ask for a better friend, he has been there for so long, I don't know how the heck he puts up with me! I know I'm not exactly fun to be around. Well I'm gonna go. American Idol is on tonight. :-D
July 16, 2002 @ 1:03 p.m. Other than worrying about this thing all day, I've been bored out of my mind...again. I really don't have a life, which is depressing since it's summer and you're supposed to be out having fun all the time! Well, I have no one to have fun with since everyone is working, and it gets a little boring sitting around your house all day every day. One of my friends called me last night and asked me to come to her house for a party Thursday night...but knowing her and the way she tries to plan things, it's just gonna turn out to be one big mess. I'm still lookin forward to hopefully getting out of here! Well I better go finish getting ready. :-O Wish me luck...
July 11, 2002 @ 10:38 a.m. July 8, 2002 @ 4:53 p.m. So it's extremely hot here, and I used to think I was alright with hot weather! Now I'm just sick of it...and ready for rain. I'm hot in the air conditioning, that's bad! My friend is coming up here to visit me from Florida soon...sometime between this Friday and next. But I'll update ya on more of that later, I'm gonna go see if this thing works. Sign my guestbook and tell me if you like the new layout or not. :-)
July 7, 2002 @ 8:19 p.m.
Back!
Hi, how's it goin? Long time no talk!
Long weekend
I hate going to update in here and then seeing how long it's been since I've updated...I miss the days where I used to update 5 times a day and not have to worry about anything but saying how I feel. Now I come back a week later and have so much to say, that it's hard to get past the basics and get to what I'm feeling about everything. Let's just say I'm CONFUSED. I don't think I've ever been this confused in my whole life...I always used to joke with people about how I could never make a decision and how I was always the blonde that was left standing there confused. All the time. But that was all a joke back then, I could make a decision if I needed to...they were such stupid decisions too. I hate how you always have to realize something after something else hits you in the face.
Broken hearts really do kill...
I'm really lovin this American Idol show...though it's really sad when a TV show is starting to make your day. :-/ All day I was excited to see it, and you can't tear me away from that damn couch when it comes on. It's on again tonight. :-D
Friends and in-cars and...boring, boring life
I just don't understand why everything has to be so damn confusing all the time! It's like there's never a time when I don't have something to worry about...my mind is always finding something wrong! grrr...and it's not helping that I hardly have anyone here to talk to. I want to go back to school so that I can see those people that always helped me before. What happened to my friends!? It's really depressing that everyone is too busy for everyone else lately. They all work during the day, and are too tired to do anything at night or on the weekends. But what am I complaining about?? I should be the one that's getting a job too...I need money. Very bad. :-/ I have an interview tomorrow morning at 10 for the library. I applied a couple weeks before school let out to be a paige, and they told me that all the positions were taken. Then they decide to call me a few days ago to see if I still want the job...and now I'm going in for my interview. :-) I'm not even nervous, and I don't know if that's a good thing. I don't really care. If I had the chance to get this job at the beginning of the summer I'm sure I would've been a lot happier than I am now...I would've actually had money to do things! Now school's starting in a few weeks.
eek
I have my first in-car at 2 and I'm extremely nervous!! :-/ I hate thinking about going in a car I don't know...it's not driving with some guy that I'm nervous about, it's about this car that I've never been in before. I'm not good with driving other peoples cars. And I know I'm gonna drive like shit when I have other people in the back seat...ahh! Can't 4:00 come already?? I want this thing over with!
Yuck
I HATE summer...I never talk to my friends, they're all too busy with work and stuff. And then I get bored too easily, and what happens when you get bored? You eat!! So now I'm left to sit here, with no one to talk to, feeling like a fat pig. AHH! I'm waiting for the manager from Hallmarks to call me back about an interview. I need a job! Most of the places at the mall only hire at 18. It would help if I got my license so that I could go look for a job on my own! Grr...sorry I'm whining, but I feel like crap. I need to go out and do something.
I'm tryin new things
I'm trying out the web-log style to write entries... :-)~ I liked the way it looked on other people's diaries so I decided to try it on here. Hopefully my html isn't that bad and it actually works...
Butterflies
Hey!! Do you guys like the new layout...? Or is it too purple? I couldn't update anymore with my older layout. I was too tired of seeing the same old purple blocks everytime I came to update. So I had an urge to use a butterfly layout. :-) It's pretty, isn't it? Well, I have tons to update you guys on. I'm just gonna fix all the links and everything, and then I'll come back to write more. :)
